The pièces de resistance! Validation!

This topic can can a full day to discuss and I will do my best to do it justice in this short blog. Feel free to reach out with any questions.

What validation looks like?

I hope the order of discussing emotions first makes sense.  We can now move onto validation, which is a simpler way of saying, deep listening. There are many that teach deep listening, so feel free to look up some examples. One of my favourite quotes on listening is:

“No matter what words another uses to express themselves, we simply listen for their observations, feelings, needs and requests.”

Marshall B. Rosenberg

Hmmm...tell me more, not sure I quite understand

So this means, if your kid screams at you after you ask them to clean up their toys; you can choose to focus on their tone of voice or on what they are saying underneath the yelling. If you are someone that values respect, this task is not that easy (trust me...I know from personal experience). Disrespect is a common trigger for many, this is not about wagging a finger and asking you to be different. This is only meant to highlight the importance of being aware of our tendencies and magnets (the things that really get under our skin). 

Do you ever remember a time when you felt truly heard? Like someone understood you completely, took the time to listen, learn more about your perspective without injecting their thoughts/opinions? There is something about being heard and understood that feels good. The same goes with children/youth, the process of validation helps them learn how to feel, understand and express their feelings and needs.

Responding to the observations, feelings, needs and requests of children does erase the existence expectations or boundaries. As is said in Emotion Focused Family Therapy, an approach created by Joanne Dolhanty, validation allows us to create boundaries without judgment. We will stick to the example in the paragraph above, the one where you ask your child to clean up their mess and in response, get a tantrum. A response using validation looks like this,  “I get it, you are angry, there are a lot of toys and  the mess seems overwhelming and you hate to stop playing your favourite games, we will get through this.” We as adults struggle expressing our feelings and needs… So why are we expecting our kids to?

I get it, sometimes we just need them to get to bed, the place cleaned because there is so much to do - AND - they need to be responsible, dang it! The reality is, few of us respond well to ultimatums and consequences and would not work in an environment where this is the norm. There will be times that these stories we tell ourselves will prevail and we may yell or not follow through with our request to avoid the fight.  Remember, the more we as parents/caregivers become aware of our own feelings and needs, the more we understand our responses. Please remember, validation is a skill and something we practice which means, we will not do this each and every time. Also, it takes time to get it right. Trust you know your kid, and likely know the feelings they are experiencing underneath their reaction. Jim Kwik has a saying “progress makes perfect”  because there is no such thing as perfection, so be kind to yourself.

To wrap this up with the topic of kids not attending school in mind. There are multiple reasons your kid may not be going to school, social reasons, school work, their learning needs are not being met and so on. Validating their experience will open up the conversation and give you the chance to understand what is happening and gives you a place to start.

This article briefly touches on the subject - if the small tweaks are not working, there is more to discuss so feel free reach out for support to speak about your specific situation in more detail. Do not hesitate to reach out to the school and ask for support, they may know something you do not. Your school has support built in (Attendance Counsellors, Child and Youth Counsellors, Educational Assistants, Child and Youth Workers, School Psychologists, School Social Workers, Teachers, Principals and Vice Principals.)

Information in regards this article was inspired by many researchers (listed below), personal experience in family counselling and supporting youth in schools.

Powered by Emotion

António Damásio 

Dan Siegel 

Helpful tips on setting the scene for validation:

• As the adult, take a deep breath (maybe 5 and make sure it is a belly breath) and ask yourself are you in a ‘feeling trap’? Some helpful questions to ask yourself are: Where are my feelings at this moment?  Am I blaming myself/parenting? Am I mad at them? What are the stories I am telling myself? (e.g. am I thinking they are manipulating me?  Or, if I do not put my foot down they will never respect me? Or, I cannot have them be mad at me? 

• Important tip/reminder, we convey what we are thinking a lot of the time in the tone of voice we use. How are you speaking?

• Sometimes, a break is needed before the situation is addressed. If this is the case, then set time aside for this conversation and work at not giving suggestions - listen, validate and look for the deeper meaning of what they are saying.

• Feelings young children tend to know and understand (depending on the language you as a parent have given them) Kids upto the age of 5 - know sad, mad/angry, worry, scared, happy, excited, and as they mature they come to learn disgusted,  frustrated, overwhelmed, lonely, guilty.

• Warning, you may hear things that you do not want to hear, like “I am stupid”, “nobody likes me” and your emotions may want to get into the driver’s seat again. Remember , we are listening to learn, to better understand. 

• Once the listening portion has completed,  then you can move on to the planning stages and setting boundaries. This part will need you as the parent to be clear on what you need to see happen and also give them (again, depending on age) the opportunity to brainstorm ways of what would work for them. You would be amazed at the suggestions kids of all ages come up with that work for them. 

In the meantime, be kind to yourself. 

Saidy